10 years is a loooong time

Today marks day 2 of summer vacation and I'm getting a little bored already. Does this make me a bad person? That I'm not relishing my time-off of work? People would kill for 2 months-straight of being off of work. But not me, not right now. Here is why:

I don't feel productive. Yes, during the school year I moan and complain because I don't have enough time to do the things that I want to. To do the things that are important to me. To do the things that will change my life. To do the things that will made a difference. To do the things that will change the world. You get the idea.

So here I am, with roughly 15 hours of time to do all of these things I wish I had more time to do, and I don't do those things. I putz around the house. I watch TV until my eyes bleed. I go to the gym (which has it's benefits, but still, some might say it's a waste of time). I hang out with my sister and Moodle (again, not a waste of time, but I'm not accomplishing anything).

I can be prone to sleep problems, and when I'm not worn out at the end of the day, these problems creep in to say "hello!" Add to this, my over active imagination, and obsessive tendencies, and you get me, on Summer Vacation (this is your brain on Summer Vacation...it should be a PSA!)

So now I get into these weirdly contemplative moods where I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I wonder what I'm doing with my life. This was all kicked off by stupid Facebook (which, by the way, I'm thinking about getting rid of).

Two people I went to high school with married each other on Saturday. They were part of the "cool" group, and I was not. Our class president was there, the vice president, the quarter back of the football team -- you name it, they were there.

I'm not sad i wasn't invited. I didn't like the people who got married. They didn't give me the time of day in high school, nor did I want it from them. But looking back at these pictures, I think about how my 10 year high school reunion is coming up next year.

I don't know what these people have been doing with their life, but some of them are married, some have master's degrees, some own houses, some live in exotic places.

Most of the girls still look icy as ever. Most of the boys are balding and are fat due to alcohol consumption. (These two facts have brought me never ending pleasure in the last 24 hours, mind you)

But, I look at myself and use them as a measuring stick. Just as so many people did in high school, and here I am falling into it. And I hate that. I hate being weak. I hate looking at my life, which has been incredibly fulfilling and thinking it's just not good enough, because these people have done better.

I get bitter because I'm not married, and there appear to be no prospects. I get sad because I teach at a mildly ghetto school (well, at least I did until I got laid off). I live with my dad in an apartment building right next to Section 8 housing. I have student loan debt out the wazoo. I'm a kindergartner heavier than what I'd like to be.

As I type this, I'm reminded of a post I wrote last September. I was also in a contemplative mood -- melancholy if you will. It was right when school started and I was in a funk again.

Don't worry, you don't need to talk me down off the ledge; I just need to get into the swing of summer. If I've learned anything, I guess I'm not so good with change. I have a hard time transitioning, and today's rant and last September's post remind me of this. So, next fall, when I'm hopefully going back to school, please remind me when I'm in a funk to buck up and I'll be ok?

With that in mind: I proclaim this the summer of kj!