why we need oprah

I cannot even begin to think about what life was like before Oprah crawled onto the Chicago talk-show scene in January of 1984 (mostly this is because I was 18 months old when this occurred, but that is neither here nor there). Recently, I have been thinking of all of the reasons why we need Oprah in our lives.

We need Oprah because we wouldn't be able to figure out what books to read. Without Oprah, John Steinbeck wouldn't have sold millions of copies of his 1952 novel East of Eden. Leo Tolstoy can single handedly credit Oprah with his sales for 1877 work Anna Karenina. And where in Heaven's name would we be without Oprah unveiling the heinous nature of the Holocaust through the eyes of Elie Wiesel. I can't even begin to think about it.

We need Oprah because once a year we need an entire episode of her show dedicated to her Favorite Things. We need Oprah to remind us (twice!) why Key Lime Pie is worthwhile, and DreamTime Foot Cozeys are worth $49.95. We need Oprah to remind us that O, Magazine is one of her favorite things (clearly, because it is part of her evil empire) and that four of the Ugg Boot offerings are some of the best footwear ever invented. In 2006, we needed Oprah to give us each a credit card with $1000, and a video camera, and remind us to do something nice with the money for someone else. You know, 'cause the rest of us have a grand laying around to hand out.

We need Oprah to tell us how great a vegan poop is. We need Oprah to unearth the terrible things being put into our food, and thus into our bodies. We need her to bring on Dr. Oz to tell us what our sex life should be like, and again, what our poop should look like. We need Oprah to be on a teleconference with Alicia Silverstone to talk about, you guessed it, poop. Oprah loves her some poop.

We need Oprah to open schools in Africa for girls who would otherwise not receive an education. We need Oprah to do philanthropic work on other continents because the country we live in is perfect. Because America gives equal opportunities to each of its children and there are no problems here. Nope, none. Where would the United States be without the Angel Network??

We need Oprah to help us look out for all the crazy people in the world. With out Oprah, we would have never known that Tom Cruise is crazy. We wouldn't have figured out that James Frey fabricated some of his memoir. And who could forget Oprah helping us to unravel the craziness that was Susan Boyle?

Without Oprah we wouldn't be able to navigate this thing called "life" on our own. We need someone to pave the way and help us to not have to make decisions on our own.

Thank Goodness for Oprah.